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Assisted Reproduction

The World’s Worst Sperm Donor

His words, not mine:

I don’t know why I’m never quoted in trend-pieces about What the Millennials Are Doing. I’m 23. I live in Brooklyn. I’m a perpetually underemployed graduate of a highly ranked East Coast university. I live with a female roommate who owns a lot of ramekins. And I decided to become a sperm donor to make ends meet In This Economy.

Manual labor jobs are on the decline, you know. Based on how winded I got trying to move a box of books into a new apartment a few months back, I probably couldn’t survive in a manual-labor-based economy, but like anybody with a steady flow of testosterone, I still like to think I could. They also say women are better suited to skills like communication and teamwork, the kinds of things that supposedly make you successful in an office environment. That sort of makes sense for me. I work as a writer, but, like the characters on “Breaking Bad,” I never answer my phone, and when I do try to talk on it, I act like the characters on “Downton Abbey.”

I am actually a little terrified of this idea of women displacing and no longer needing men, if only because I have a lot of free time to spend getting terrified. I’m not sure I should admit this sort of thing on the enlightened Internet, but after e-mailing my resume to five hundred HR representatives who have invariably been female, and very rarely getting even a reply acknowledging I exist, I’ve now come to assume, based on absolutely no evidence, that women discriminate against men in hiring practices. If those theories about men’s unsuitability to the modern economy are right, it makes sense they would do that. Women belong in the conference room, and men belong in the kitchen, making sandwiches for that catered lunch in the conference room.

But still, in a society that no longer needs men for anything, there will definitely be women who are interested in having children. So we will still need sperm donation. I’m fairly sure I wrote a college term paper on why this sort of thing is exploitation, but now I consider it a funny solution to paying my bills. (That’s the difference between being in college and being freshly out of college.) So if sperm donation is the future of the male economy, I might as well get in now before the market is flooded.

This is the sort of rationale with which a man, with his less-desirable brain, needs to arm himself if he’s ever going to make the ludicrous decision to impregnate a bunch of people with children he will never meet.

Here’s another good line of reasoning, one that speaks to angsty, entitled, self-hating, misanthropic Millennials everywhere: sperm donation allows you to populate the world with dozens of little versions of you. It’s the ultimate vengeance on the society that doesn’t yet recognize your amazing gifts.

I’ve never been known to fill palaces with my concubines. I don’t (as of yet) feel any call of nature telling me to spread my seed. But since your elders are actively denying you the jobs that you would allow you entry into the middle class they are simultaneously destroying, filling their lives with your lazy, helpless genetics is one way to get back at them.

Impoverished teenage mothers do not buy vials of sperm. In all likelihood, the children created with your sperm will be born into relatively well-off families. Your sperm kids will go to school with the kids of those people who refuse to read your resume. Your sperm kids will infiltrate their homes, spoiling playdates and ruining their carpet. Then your sperm kids will infiltrate their genetics, through intermixing with the biological children of the privileged.

We shouldn’t be occupying Wall Street’s money banks, is what I’m saying. It’s time to occupy the sperm banks.

This mindset really works. Suddenly the job market no longer makes me feel so inadequate. Clearly it’s time to inflict my children on the world.

It turns out sperm donation, like so many of the world’s most beautiful things, begins on Craigslist. That is where top-notch sperm bank California Cryobank posts a want-ad every few days. From what I can gather from a little Googling, they’re the sperm bank in New York that pays the best, so this is where I applied. (California Cryobank New York is not to be confused with Manhattan CryoBank. Also, there are no sperm credit unions to my knowledge.) “We are constantly recruiting males from all ethnicities, religions, and races, but we currently have an increased need for Jewish, hispanic/Latino, full-blooded Italian, African American, and Filipino men,” their ad read. “We also need full-blooded men of European descent with US citizenship.” I am one of those things!

You can read the rest here.


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