Noted wife collector and historical onanist, Newt Gingrich, was attacked by a penguin yesterday during a “campaign” appearance at a St. Louis Zoo. No word if penguins will now be excluded from his future space colony on Jupiter.
UPDATE: Reactions from the internet over the penguin attack:
1. Gingrich identified his attacker as “a typically overdressed Romney supporter.”
2. The penguin was hungry, and mistook Gingrich for an actual newt.
3. Gingrich ridiculed the penguin behavior of giving a pebble to a mate as “pathetically inadequate compared to what I do at Tiffany’s.”
4. The penguin blamed climate-change-denier Gingrich for the loss of its home in an ice-shelf collapse.
5. Gingrich demanded an investigation of liberal penguin-portrayer Danny DeVito.
6. The penguin was upset after Gingrich’s check to the zoo bounced.
7. Gingrich said it was staged by ‘Happy Feet Two’ producers, to promote “a lame comedy no one wants to see,” to which the producers replied, “We would never promote your candidacy.”
8. Threat by Gingrich to “bloody Obama’s nose” angered the penguin, who is half black and half white.
9. Gingrich’s one-time backer Sheldon Adelson offered him another million, if he’ll visit the cobra exhibit.
10. The penguin was bitter because she recently got sick, and was dumped by Gingrich.
11. Gingrich has come out in favor of penguin labor, preferably as boiler room janitors.
12. The penguin laughed, “The funny part is, he still thinks he’s brilliant.”